we · stayed · beneath · as · the · water · above · us · froze

everything is good. except i might have mono. i hope i don't. that means i can't play soccer and this might be my last time playing soccer for the rest of my life on a real team. MONO STAY AWAY. aww i'm skipping school again to go visit tiff in the morning and then to go see ryan. i'm excited. i love him.

i'm going to tell you what i did because i can't not tell you anymore. please be able to understand. please be able to forgive me. college decisions need to be made by the end of this week and if you can' forgive me, i can't stay here.

i'm really glad anya and i are hanging out again. i don't know what's going to happen once kevin gets home. i bet he's going to say things that make her not want to be friends with me. maybe not though. oh well whatever i'm used to it. i have the one person in my life that i am always going to need in my life and that's ryan. he ended up not having court last thursday. he's supposed to have it on the 17th now hopefully. i just want him home. or at least in rehab where i can spend more than a half hour with him at a time and where i can hold him in my arms. i love ryan. i'm getting a tattoo of wings on my hips eventually and i think ryan is getting the green finch on his hips. that's kind of cute. we talked about it today. i think i am getting my nose pierced on friday. my mom's going to be pissed but hopefully she gets over it fast.

i really am positive that we will get married. honestly. nothing will ever come between us. we've been through so much. we can make it through anything. and ryan is completely devoted to me. we're the only people i know who are really in love. we get what love is. and he's my boy. and i will always fight for him no matter what. and i know he would never let anyone else touch me. ever. it's us. always. i really hope ryan gets good news at court on thursday. he needs it. i need it.

i'm a bad person. but i'm keeping quiet. i feel like i owe myself that at least.

i'm going snowboarding today. i love snowboarding. i almost completely broke up with ryan for real last week. like i really convinced myself i was done. but then i thought that despite everything i know he cares and is completely in love with me. i sent him the meanest letter in the world. then like a week later i sent him another letter explaining a lot of things that needed to be explained to him because things that i did weren't right either. i need this boy. and he needs me. and we will get married. i just wanted to hug him forever when i saw him this thursday. like honestly that hug was the first sign that we were going to be ok and that we wanted to be ok. he actually looked happy last thursday when i saw him which is good because i don't want him to be sad when he's in there. he sent me the longest letters in the world about how much he wanted to be with me. i can't even explain how much they mean to me. blhablhbalbhblah. i don't have a life. i had the worst dream last night. i need to go to wawa. it's 530 in the morning and i'm bored as fuck.

i neeeedddddd to see ryan tomorrow. or i might die. i don't care if i get in trouble. im going crazy

i need to see ryan this thursday. i know my mom is going to be bitch. but i'm 18 and for once in my life i'm going to use that to my advantage. if i don't see my boy i will go crazy. i need him in my life. i can't lose him. honestly, he's everything. and if anyone could read his letters, they would know that i'm everything to him too. baby, i love you. THIS THURSDAY! make it happen.

i wish everyone would just stop judging our relationship because they don't know. no one does. you and i are the only people who get it. and people should start fucking worrying about their own fucked up lives and stop worrying about ours. because it's been 4 years. if we cared, i think we would have listened to them by now. luckily you and i are the only things that matter. and we're keeping it that way no matter what. loveee.

i went to see ryan on thursday. i miss him so much already. when i saw him i felt like i fell in love with him all over again. even if that sounds really cliche and dumb. but i saw him and i was so happy it was ridiculous. i love him soooo much. and he loves me. i don't think i'll be able to see him this week though. hopefully i get a letter. i'll mail him some letters at least. i know he wrote to me but i don't know if got money for stamps and envelopes yet. i hope so. i need to see him again soon though. i'll go crazy if not.

if i can't see you or talk to you for a long time i don't know what i'm going to do. i'm thinking maybe i can convince sean to drive me to visit you one day if i give him money. probably in 2.5 weeks. hopefully. I don't know where you can send me letters. or how you are even going to get paper or stamps or envelopes. but without any of that i really think i will go crazy. i need you. you complete me. you're my other half. and honestly, without you, i'm lost and i'm crazy. i love you so much. never forget that. and never doubt that i'll wait for you. you the single most and sometimes only important thing in my life. and i'm never going to let go. at least you called me this morning. out of everyone in the world that you could have called with your one phone call, you picked me. and that made me feel a little better. you're beautiful. and i really hope you're going to be ok. i'm going to find someway to make sure that you are ok.

the police came tonight and took ryan away. it was one of the worst moments of my life. it was scary. and all i could think about was making sure ryan was ok. they let me kiss and hug him goodbye at least. i'm with him forever. i'm with him no matter what. i hope i can talk to him soon. i love him more than anything.

get better. i hope that i can make you feel not so alone. i love you. i need you.

make this weekend amazing.

i just got back from florida. it was warm and i could wear my bathing suit all the time. now i'm home. reality. 40 degree weather. worrying about keeping my grades for college. no insurance for my car. i'm getting fat (well i can tell a difference). all i really need and want is ryan. i want him now and always. i want to go to college in vermont or california. i want people to stop acting like i'm friends with them. i don't want friends. it's too hard to pretend like i care about what they are saying. i'd rather just spend time with ryan. and if i'm not with him i'd rather sleep or read or play with baxter and molly. i used to think one day maybe i'd regret not having tons of friends to be there when ryan and i break up. too bad that won't ever happen. we're going to be the best couple in the world for the rest of our lives and we're going to get married and be in love forever. and in 5 months i'm going to college. i won't remember anyone here anyway. and i won't care.

dumb bitch. stop being creepy. and oh yeah! this weekend will be one of the best weekends in a long time and hopefully it will involve a sleepover with my babyyy

we're gonna last forever

everyone around here needs to stop talking about shit they dont know about or i'm going to start punching people in the face.

we're all so fucked. me more than anyone else that needs to go there tomorrow. ryan's a fucking dumbass but he's my baby and i love him anyway. i hope tomorrow's not too bad. i don't want to go to jail. i'm pretty sure jail doesn't like me. i don't want ryan to go to jail but i don't think i can stop it. i have a feeling though that we'll make it through. we always make it through. we always belong to each other. and hopefully a year from now when i look back and read this everything will be how i always wanted and knew it would be. ryan needs me. and i need him. we're so prefect. it's like ryan said. he's my counterpart. nothing will change that ever. i hope i can talk to him. and i hope there is no situation that doesn't allow us to communicate at all. i couldn't deal. and if there is a situation like that, i hope we don't forget about each other, i hope we don't move on. cause i know if that happens, the moment we see each other we'll drop and hurt everything around us. cause its always us. and never them. BAM fuckkkkkk

i don't know. i'm crazy. it's just there are some days like when i'm home doing nothing and have time to think and youre off with other people, but i think too much. i really don't think you will ever hurt me again. it was a long time ago. almost 6 months ago. but still, part of me wonders what will stop you when the opportunity comes up. i wish i didnt think that. i wish you didnt make it that way. i mean its getting a lot better. but sometimes i can't not think about it. i really think this times different though. i think you know that this is it. your chance. your only chance. if you fuck up, i'm gone. and for some reason i think you and i are a lot different than we were then. i at least hope i made you change. i know you are completely in love with me. but thats no always enough. make it be enough.